My father lost his Job and went without a Job for several months. This predicament became highly Inconvenient putting more responsibilities on me while helping my parents pay for bills should add how hall moved a lot, this sentence Is short and needs to be added on to. Talk about what kind of distress this caused you and your family. Try to refrain from using words like “l”, “my” or “me” just to make it sound more of a formal essay) We had to move into a home more affable for my family.
We eventually became reliable on one vehicle due to a car accident my dad was involved in and my vehicle became to expense to fix due to mechanical issues **(This sentence is a run-on and I think it would be broken up into two sentences) . My last semester fall of 2012 at San Antonio College was the hardest because that is when my family was most reliant of me. At the time, I was enrolled in 14 hours and working a full time job. With the additional responsibilities of providing for a family of five, it became a challenge to focus my attention on school.
Eventually I decided the fall of 2012 was going to be my last semester of school at San Antonio College due to my family needing help financially. I enlisted in the United States Army and went Basic Combat Training (BCC) t Fort Jackson in South Carolina from January 7, 2013 and graduated March 21, 201 3 added commas after the days. ). Then I went to Advance Individual Training (TIT) for a Human Resources Specialist position which was also in Fort Jackson from March 20, 201 3 and graduated May 21, 2013**(Number dates always go after the month). *(Could re-write sentence like this-During my time at TIT, I was awarded a Certificate of Achievement for obtaining a high score on the Army Physical Fitness Test. -Then you could go on to talk about what kind this achievement proves about your endurance and how you’re driven) I was also awarded a Certificate of Achievement for scoring high on the Army Physical Fineness Test during my time at TIT. After completion of TIT, I was stationed at Fort Bliss In El Paso Texas to 31st Combat Support Hospital.
I was there for 7 months In which I earned a promotion from POP to Private First Class and was awarded a Certificate of Achievement during Iron Focus, which was were training excises and preparing for my Units future deployment to sentence). I was deployed to Afghanistan January 7 2014. My duty and tasks were greater than my rank, which I slotted In a higher ranks position I as responsible for accountability and movement for Task Force 31 Medical and the 15 units, that fall under the Task Force of 174 personnel which increased to 455 confusing). **(never use words like “I’m”, “weren’t”, “couldn’t” etc. Always type them out like “l am”, “were not”, “could not”) I am responsible for out-processing personnel, which get military personnel out Afghanistan with all the proper documentation **(Find a synonym for “personnel” try not to use the same word twice in a sentence”). My senior leader recently recommended me for a Battlefield Promotion to next rank of Specialist. My Unit was supposed to redeploy back to the States in October but we were recently extended to December and I felt it would be a great time to go back to school to keep myself occupied the remaining time of my deployment. *(run on sentence. Also, give another reason why you want to go back to school such as “l felt this timing would be perfect to finish my bachelors degree and work my way to my goal of becoming a pilot. ” Something along the lines of that, they want to see that you want to finish school in order to move up in life rather than it being something to Just occupy your time. Since being in the Army, I have learned a lot and my training has better taught me about discipline, responsibilities, and leadership.
Going back to school is only the first step in advancing my career, I am hoping with my admission to Embryo-Riddle Aeronautical University I will earn my degree which will better help me excel in the Military Flight Aptitude Test to become a Warrant Officer in the Army to become a wing oratory aviator. **(run-on sentence. Also add more to this section because being that it’s only 2 sentences, it’s technically not a paragraph. But you could do this by separating your run-on sentences. )